well, I had to call off work tonight. FMLA for mary. She's not well and I cannot afford to have her slide any further into weakness. If I'm not here to care for her, she sleeps. Doesn't want to eat. Pushes herself to care for the animals (if I call to remind her I didn't). I work 3 nights in a row, 12 hour shifts, and if I'm not watching, by the time I get home from my 3rd night, she's pretty depleted. I didn't ask her to weigh in, but I know she's lost a few more pounds. Fibromyalgia sucks, and what ever else is going on isn't helping. So far the doc's cannot figure it out. Colonoscopy was negative. Blood tests are negative. What is with the nausea/vomiting/diarrhea? I had to take her to the ER last month as I couldn't handle it at home - couldn't GET a handle on it at home and she was spiraling downward quicker than I could keep up. Keep up? who am I kidding?? It was 8 hours+ in the ER with 2L fluids and potassium replacement, and IV pain meds as for 3 days she wasn't able to take any of her meds. Its a very scary thing.
I'm having random thoughts from nowhere intruding, wondering how I'm gonna do/ what I'm gonna do/ how I'm gonna handle things on my own after shes gone. I don't like those thoughts at all.
We're going to put together a jar of things to do on our time off. Pull a destination from the jar and go play, on those days she feels up to it..... But I told her we'd have to make a contract in addition to the jar. That she has to take care of herself - PROMISE to do so, for the days/nights I'm at work. It isn't fair to me that I have to work 3 nights at the hospital (and believe me, it takes a lot out of me) only to come home and take care of her for 4 days, trying to get her strong again. She simply has not recovered from her last time being sick.
We'd had a vacation planned at Lake Powell, with houseboat and my aunt from Michigan. Mary got sick some 10 days out, and we had to cancel my aunt, cancel the boat, cancel vacation. Lost all the $$ on the boat and I spent the entire time off trying to help her get better. House stuff. tippy toeing around. trying to feed her up. That was May. In June, we had split the first week of vacation - I went to michigan, she to Las Vegas to see Shannon graduate - with honors. I had a nice week, then got the phone call on friday that Mary had been sick all week. Missed graduation, missed all the parties. Spent the week in the hotel, in bed or in the bathroom. Mary was supposed to have joined me in Michigan on Sunday and we were to drive to Canada to spend the week with her cousin and his wife. I changed my travel arrangements, flew home on Saturday. Drove to Vegas on Sunday. Drove us home on Monday. And Mary still hasn't recovered. Our friend Dee picked her up yesterday, they had lunch together and Dee cut Marys hair. So today, Mary had leftovers from her lunch (it was a very small box of something). Today she had a yogurt. I called of sick when she was nauseated, diaphoretic (she agreed- asked me to.. she doesn't like it when I call off sick) and since then she had a piece of toast. Now she's sleeping. I hope.
I will clean the kitchen. Take some tylenol for the pain in my legs, ankles, calfs.... I have my own issues and problems. For this week I cannot take my Ibuprophen 800 because a week from tomorrow I have my colonoscopy. I really hope to be able to last this week off my regular meds..... My problems are so insignificant compared to what Mary endures. Its hard to imagine, that between her sister and her spouse, Mary and I, that I am the healthiest. Strongest. It wears thin at times. I have to put on a strong face and just go out and do. And then the thoughts intrude... what will she do if I should die first? She has said she'll die. Cannot physically live without my help, assistance, caring for her. And I know this to be true. She can barely survive when I'm doing my 3 nights at work.
I don't want to sound a complainer. Whiner. But how do I live? How do I survive? Just by doing. And what is to become of me if I cannot get her through this? I do not want to live without her. I want happiness with her after I retire. Will that come soon enough? I don't know. I just don't know.
